Letting Go of the Plan

When the Brinkman’s chose to become foster parents, they hoped to eventually adopt three children. Foster care, however, is rarely predictable. Now, with six children adopted from foster care they know the best stories are not necessarily the ones we write for ourselves.

“We didn’t plan to take on three kids for our very first placement and definitely didn’t plan on taking on their new sibling five months later,” explains Ryan. Yet, they were overjoyed to be able to adopt all four of the siblings together.  At this point, the Brinkman’s decided to do respite care only.  However, a weekend of respite for a teenager turned into a permanent placement, they found themselves once again finalizing an adoption for another child who had stolen their hearts.

It seemed their family was complete with now five children. But, just three months after that adoption was finalized, they got a call that there was a sixth sibling in need of care. They accepted the placement and soon after, adopted their sixth child. “The most rewarding thing besides starting a family was that we got to keep siblings together,” Ryan says. “This was a big deal to us and what made us adopt so many kids. Our kids do so well since they got to stay together and they still have that connection to family.”

As their family grew, they also had challenges to face. Keeping up with appointments, practices and activities was tough. Getting away for a night out was even tougher as finding respite care for all of the kids proved difficult. Over time, however, they developed a routine which made everything easier and embraced being a big, busy family.

To those considering becoming foster parents, their message is simple. Don’t let fear stop you. “If you are worried about becoming a foster parent because you’re afraid that you’re going to get hurt or attached to a child, know that this is actually a good sign!” says Ryan. “This is just proving that you have a lot of love to give to a child who deserves it.  Don’t bottle it up and squander it because of fear. Share it with children who might not know what unconditional love is. Even if a child is reunified, never forget that from the moment that they entered your home, you had a positive impact on their life and they can carry that with them forever.”

They also encourage people not to be afraid to accept siblings or teenagers. The five siblings they adopted have adjusted well because they weren’t separated or alone while in foster care. And, despite the stigma of teens in care, fostering and adopting a teen has been very positive for their family. “They have the vocabulary to communicate how they feel, are more independent, and have so many talents you would never expect until you get to know them,” explains Ryan.

Foster care requires flexibility. Families who put specific expectations on the process or even the children end up stifling both. The goal is not to find children who are the perfect for your family but to become the family who can unconditionally love the imperfect child who needs you. Being a family of eight was never the Brinkman’s plan. Thank goodness they didn’t stick to their plan!