From Foster to Forever

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Everyone sees the pictures. An adorable child holds up a sign with the number of days they were in foster care before being adopted by a loving family. The numbers on those signs are usually painfully high. We get emotional both at the immense joy of a child joining a family but also in the tragedy of how long it took for them to get there. This is not that story.

Kenna was placed in foster care in September of 2022 and just one year later, the Schuerman family adopted her. “We had a unique experience as Kenna’s biological parents had minimal involvement from the beginning and the agency was granted permanent custody quicker than usual,” Beth Schuerman explains. “By the time Kenna was available for adoption, we already loved her and considered her to be a part of our family. So, it was an easy decision.”

Not only was her time in foster care brief, the Schuermans were her only foster parents. Being well prepared before the placement began and supported throughout helped make the placement successful from the beginning. In fact, they believe having a supportive team that included Focus on Youth, their CASA worker, and the family services case worker, was an absolute necessity.

There were challenges, of course, some big and some small. While their biggest challenge was readjusting to parenting a toddler again, they say “The most rewarding experience by far has been seeing Kenna grow and develop over the year.”

She is one of the blessed few who found a forever family in her very first placement. There can be more foster children like her. They encourage anyone on the fence about foster care and adoption through foster care to give it a try. Being a foster parent can be challenging at times, but to them it’s worth it. Maybe the next adoption day photo tugging at people’s heartstrings will be yours.

Worth It

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Predictable and easy are not words anyone would use to describe foster parenting. Yet, in the midst of the difficulty, the heartbreak, and the unknown, beautiful families are formed. That’s how the Leidenheimer family of four became a family six.

When Liam and Jack came to live in their home, Brandon and Clare Leidenheimer didn’t know what the future held. They only knew they already loved these two boys and would do their best to protect them. So, day in and day out, that’s what they did. This was especially tough when dealing with the court system and the turnover in workers assigned to their case. “Having no say in decisions or the final outcome when we’re the ones loving and advocating for them daily was the most challenging aspect of our experience,” they explain.

Eventually, the boys became available to adopt. The family had loved them so well and for so long already, the choice was easy. Liam had been in their care for 1,473 days and Jack for 1,374 days when they were adopted, becoming part of the Leidenheimer family forever.

Once the boys were officially their sons, they were faced with a difficult decision. While it’s often best to help a foster or adopted child maintain relationships with biological family, there are also situations when the risk of more harm and continued trauma is just too great. “Healthy boundaries have to be set,” the Leidenheimers share, “and maintained relationships are not always in the best interest of the child and/or adoptive family.”

The joy and laughter the boys bring the family are the most rewarding part of their journey. As tough as the challenges were, every moment of feeling powerless in court and struggling to navigate a difficult path with the bio family fade in comparison. “It can be a test of your faith, relationships, and mental health sometimes,” the couple says, “but the joy that the kids bring to our lives makes it all worth it.”

The Power of Compassion, Trust, and Family

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When tiny, 3-month-old Elijah was placed with the Faelor family, they had no idea how their family would soon change. Less than 2 years later, he officially became Elijah Faelor through adoption. Yet, Elijah was not their only new family member. His bio mother and bio father, Kali and Curtis, had also became part of the family. Julie Faelor believes the patience, compassion, and consistency they gave Kali and Curtis at their supervised visitations with Elijah made this new family possible.

In her late teens, Kali’s mother died from an overdose. Her father had been absent since her early childhood and she didn’t have friends, mentors, or trusted adults in her life, except for her grandmother. Consequently, in adulthood, Kali found herself alone and vulnerable. Time and life experience has helped Kali recognize how trauma impacted her choices and her relationships. Kali wanted her son to have the mom and dad she did not have, but substance abuse and a then toxic relationship resulted in Elijah being removed from her care and Kali being incarcerated. While incarcerated, Kali earned a GED, obtained a horticulture certificate, and received substance abuse treatment. After her release, Kali continued receiving treatment services, worked hard to maintain sobriety, and tried to work towards reunification with her son. Ultimately, reunification was not possible and when she was asked if she knew anyone who could provide permanency for Elijah, she turned to the Faelors for help.

Elijah’s father, Curtis, also had a history of trauma and had aged out of foster care. After recognizing he wasn’t ready to be a father and not wanting to hinder his son’s permanent placement in a loving family, he bravely chose to relinquish his parental rights at Elijah’s permanent custody hearing.

While slowly getting to know both Kali and Curtis at supervised visitations, Julie and her husband, Edward, developed a deeper understanding of how trauma impacts generations. Their interest in Elijah’s parents as people rather than as a stereotype strengthened their compassion. That compassion in conjunction with patience and consistency allowed for two traumatized hearts to reach out and take the hand of a family. It laid the foundation for their new integrated family to be built upon.

Although Kali and Curtis have separate lives, the Faelors ensure they both are included in family gatherings and Elijah’s life. Additionally, Julie and Kali spend quality time together by themselves, as mothers and daughters often do. Curtis spends time with the whole family. The Faelors feel the greatest gift for their new family is the steps being made towards healing generational trauma through inclusion and family love.

A Much-Needed Respite

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“Will you become a respite caregiver for me?”

The words tumbled out of her sister’s mouth as soon as she answered the phone. Isabella’s sister was caring for 10 foster children and needed help. So, Isabella took a deep breath and said yes. That yes to respite care grew into foster care, kinship care, and eventually adoption. Though foster parenting can be challenging sometimes, she knows the challenges present opportunities to make a difference in a foster child’s life and possibly in their parents’ lives too.

Looking back, Isabella realizes her own biological family paved the way for her foster parenting and adoption journey. “I am blessed with such a big family,” she explains. “In my family, we all have adopted children. We just open our family up and allow others to join. We are blessed and try to share our blessings with others. In childhood, our mother shaped our hearts by her opening our home to others in need.” This welcoming family culture made it easy for her to invite foster children in. By simply being welcomed with love and support, their lives would be changed for the better.

Though her desire to help never faltered, becoming a single parent after divorce made her question whether she should continue foster parenting. Could she handle the challenges of foster care on her own? Despite having a supportive extended family, she opted to shield herself and her son from the unknowns of foster care by stepping away from it for a while. The break didn’t last long. When faced with a child in need, she became a kinship caregiver and found a new perspective.

Although her first kinship caregiving experience was filled with trauma related behavior challenges, Isabella continued to open her home and heart to other children and bio parents. Her own experiences with alcohol as a young adult gave her deep compassion for bio parents fighting addictions and struggling with life. She not only loved each of these children but also their bio families and supported the goal of reunification.

While fostering 3 children, Isabella extended her love and support to their mom. She helped the bio mom locate housing and a job after the bio mom voluntarily completed a substance abuse treatment program. She extended the bio mom’s support system by connecting her with a church and, encouraged by Isabella’s actions, the bio mom continued making positive lifestyle changes. Their partnership evolved into family. Bio mom and Isabella continue to talk daily. She calls Isabella mom while her children call Isabella and her husband grandma and grandpa.

Through fostering children and relationships with bio parents, Isabella understands that all kids love their families no matter what those families did to them, and that “if bioparents do not have a chance to come out of their situation by receiving help from others, then they are likely to stay in their situation. Sometimes, a person gets caught in a mess that they don’t know how to get out of without a support system to support their well-being and a different way of life.” Isabella has had successful and unsuccessful experiences with bio parents and reunification. Nonetheless, her family’s culture of sharing love and support continues. “We just open our family up and allow others to join,” she says. “We are blessed and try to share our blessings with others.”

Answering the Call

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A little over 3 years ago, the Alaniz family felt a nudge to become foster parents. They had no idea what following that nudge might entail, only that there was a need for foster parents who could work with children who had endured a lot in their short lives. From that very small beginning, their journey began. They’ve now been licensed for 3.5 years and have been caring for the same 4 children in their home for almost 2-1/2 years.

 

Their first challenge 3 years ago was simply knowing where to start. They had heard about Focus on Youth and discovered that becoming a licensed foster parent begins with pre-placement trainings. So that’s where they started, and as they learned about what foster care involved, there was no doubt God was calling them to step in and do something to help His children. The process of becoming licensed turned out to be fairly simple. The training classes were offered in nearby churches and any question or concern was easily answered or addressed by the Focus on Youth staff.

 

The training did a lot to prepare the Alaniz’s for becoming foster parents. Yet, as prepared as they felt, they didn’t fully understand how hard it was going to be sometimes. With the perspective that experience brings, they now believe not knowing how hard it could be was a blessing in disguise. No one is naturally well-equipped to handle the stresses and traumas of foster care, but through trial by fire, you become stronger and more compassionate, and a better advocate for the children. And if the hard stuff had scared them away from saying yes, they would have missed out on many incredibly good things they also couldn’t have imagined before they started.

 

For other families who may be feeling the nudge, the Alaniz’s have a few things they want you to know:

 

  1. Children need trusted people, not perfect people, to help them break the cycle of abuse and neglect.
  2. They need loving people to help them overcome the obstacles yet to come.
  3. Children need their local community to support them so a positive difference can be made in their young lives.

 

Community is essential for foster families too. Thanks to the trusted people in their own lives, including their families and friends, the Alaniz’s have been blessed with ongoing support and help when they have needed it. And, they are extremely grateful for their Focus on Youth worker, Marissa, for all the hard work and support she has given them. Their foster care journey isn’t over, but they have already made an undeniable and irreplaceable difference in the lives of the children who have been welcomed into their home.

Letting Go of the Plan

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When the Brinkman’s chose to become foster parents, they hoped to eventually adopt three children. Foster care, however, is rarely predictable. Now, with six children adopted from foster care they know the best stories are not necessarily the ones we write for ourselves.

“We didn’t plan to take on three kids for our very first placement and definitely didn’t plan on taking on their new sibling five months later,” explains Ryan. Yet, they were overjoyed to be able to adopt all four of the siblings together.  At this point, the Brinkman’s decided to do respite care only.  However, a weekend of respite for a teenager turned into a permanent placement, they found themselves once again finalizing an adoption for another child who had stolen their hearts.

It seemed their family was complete with now five children. But, just three months after that adoption was finalized, they got a call that there was a sixth sibling in need of care. They accepted the placement and soon after, adopted their sixth child. “The most rewarding thing besides starting a family was that we got to keep siblings together,” Ryan says. “This was a big deal to us and what made us adopt so many kids. Our kids do so well since they got to stay together and they still have that connection to family.”

As their family grew, they also had challenges to face. Keeping up with appointments, practices and activities was tough. Getting away for a night out was even tougher as finding respite care for all of the kids proved difficult. Over time, however, they developed a routine which made everything easier and embraced being a big, busy family.

To those considering becoming foster parents, their message is simple. Don’t let fear stop you. “If you are worried about becoming a foster parent because you’re afraid that you’re going to get hurt or attached to a child, know that this is actually a good sign!” says Ryan. “This is just proving that you have a lot of love to give to a child who deserves it.  Don’t bottle it up and squander it because of fear. Share it with children who might not know what unconditional love is. Even if a child is reunified, never forget that from the moment that they entered your home, you had a positive impact on their life and they can carry that with them forever.”

They also encourage people not to be afraid to accept siblings or teenagers. The five siblings they adopted have adjusted well because they weren’t separated or alone while in foster care. And, despite the stigma of teens in care, fostering and adopting a teen has been very positive for their family. “They have the vocabulary to communicate how they feel, are more independent, and have so many talents you would never expect until you get to know them,” explains Ryan.

Foster care requires flexibility. Families who put specific expectations on the process or even the children end up stifling both. The goal is not to find children who are the perfect for your family but to become the family who can unconditionally love the imperfect child who needs you. Being a family of eight was never the Brinkman’s plan. Thank goodness they didn’t stick to their plan!

The Imperfect Time to Say Yes

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When is the perfect time to become foster parents? For years, the Scott family thought foster care was something they didn’t have enough time or money to pursue. So, they pushed the idea aside and poured themselves into raising their five biological children. That is until Raquel met Jenny.

Jenny was 9 years old, on her fourth foster home, and on the verge of being moved again. Raquel babysat Jenny and couldn’t bear the thought of her bouncing from home to home. Suddenly, the things that stopped them before didn’t seem as important anymore. It wasn’t the perfect time and they still didn’t have enough money, but all of that paled in comparison to the love they wanted to give this child. Raquel made some calls and through a thin line of kinship, they became kinship providers for her while completing their foster care license through Focus on Youth.

That was Jenny’s last move. It was also when the real work of love began. “My new daughter and I had a lot of adjusting and counseling for us to fit,” explains Raquel. “My daughter had been mistreated, had no social skills, and is on the spectrum, so I spent a lot of time working with her to teach her touch, trust, and that she was loved.” They know kids in foster care come from hard places and as foster parents, they must understand the way the child’s trauma forms them in order to build the bridge that will lead them toward recovery.

Three years later, they are finalizing her adoption and caring for four other foster children. “When I got married 30 years ago, I wanted 10 kids,” Raquel says. “Now, at 50, we have started all over, have 10 kids between our biological children and foster children with ages ranging from 1 to 33, and couldn’t be happier!”

“I can tell you it’s rewarding, fun, always an adventure, hard, sometimes heartbreaking, but they are always better when you are together,” she says. She strongly advises anyone thinking about foster care to rely on the resources Focus on Youth has available. Between the support Focus provides and the incredibly supportive community of foster parents to lean on, new foster parents are given the best chance to succeed.

Raquel adds, “I never knew I needed to foster, but God decided his plan for us was to help mold sometimes broken kiddos into love and strength.”

Teens Need Families Too

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Thousands of teens in foster care are desperate for the stability and connection of a family. Unlike their younger counterparts, they have little time left before being forced to face the world completely on their own. One invested person or family can dramatically improve their odds. The Baker family wanted to step into that gap for older kids most people overlooked.

Recently retired from the army, settled in their new home on a small farm, and raising their 18-month-old son, the Baker family was ready to begin the process of getting licensed for foster care. Before they were finished, they heard about a teen girl who was available for adoption and always wanted to live on a farm. When they met, they instantly clicked but had to wait until the school year finished for her to move in. During those months of waiting, they saw her every other weekend to begin building a relationship and at the same time, opened their home for respite care and emergency placements. In that short time, they cared for a dozen kids ranging in age from 2 to 17 years old.

During one of those emergency placements, Carrie saw the difference even a short stay can make. They took in two siblings, ages 17 and 6, who had never been in foster care and definitely didn’t want to be now. They helped them get clothes, hygiene supplies, and find healthy foods they actually liked eating. Before the siblings were happily reunited with a relative, the girl hugged Carrie and cried, saying she had changed her negative opinion of foster care. Being a safe place in the middle of a chaotic moment meant everything to them.

Caring for kids of vastly different ages reinforced how much they truly enjoy connecting with older kids and reinforced their commitment to accepting teens as permanent placements. Carrie explains, “With our teens, we feel energized after the toddler goes to bed and we get to spend time with them.” Having a set of family rules and sticking to them has been key to successfully parenting foster teens. They have two permanently placed teen girls and before they decided to stay, they were given a copy of the rules and asked to agree or discuss their concerns. “It’s simple things like being nice and picking up after yourself,” Carrie says. “But it allows us to remind them they agreed to these rules.”

Whatever age the foster kids, Carrie recommends giving each one space to be themselves and not trying to parent each one the same. “One girl needs space when she’s mad,” Carrie shares as an example. “The other girl thrives with being given extra responsibility and the benefits that go along with that.” Sometimes even physical space is important, whether that space is their own room or just a place to get away by themselves.

It’s been quite the journey, but they are so happy they chose to bring teens into their family, always being careful not to judge them by their past but not ignore it either. “Our girls have been in the system for years and, unfortunately, neither looks great on paper,” Carrie explains. “But they have the biggest hearts and we can’t imagine our lives without them.”

Dear Future Foster Family

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Dear Future Foster Family,

As you wait with anticipation for your first placement, your head is swimming. You’re a bundle of nerves, worries, and excitement, right? I can’t fully explain what joy, struggle, and life change is coming for you, but hope our experience will give you an inkling and let you know you’re not alone.

We have three biological children who were 5, 3, and 2 at the time of our first placement. When the call came, we accepted 3-year-old and 1-year-old siblings into our home.

Expect to Need Help

You WILL need help, regardless of the number of children/people living in your home. Go ahead and look for support in advance. Meal trains, friends to talk, and family to help are all essentials at the beginning. You are bringing a new life into your home and it’s all-hands-on-deck, especially as your new family is getting acquainted. Let your people and community know now to be prepared. I struggle with “needing” help and turned down offers of help in the beginning. I had to humbly go back and say, “Uh, on second thought maybe that would be nice, please and thank you.”

Expect you will need to ask your Focus on Youth social worker for help. They are amazing and are there to support the kids and YOU to the best of their ability. When things feel like too much and are too hard, reach out for support and the resources that are available!

Prepare for a Big To-Do List

It will be busy and demanding, especially in the first month of a new placement. You will have 1,000 things to figure out and they are almost all time sensitive. We had the initial and 30-day foster clinic check at Children’s Hospital, then set up home visits with our agency worker and the kids’ county case worker, scheduled their family visit and figured out transportation, scheduled dentist appointments and eye exams, and found a pediatrician. If the kids are school aged, you have to figure out what school they will attend and when, complete all the paperwork that’s required, and set up school transportation. If you work outside the home, finding childcare that fits your needs and budget will be a priority. And, there’s a never-ending stream of paperwork.

If you’re in the Cincinnati area, plan to schedule an appointment with Hope’s Closet as soon as possible after placement. They have many things you may realize you need in those first days, like clothing (you get a week’s worth per child), cups, bowls, utensils, books, toys for all ages, hygiene products, diapers/pull ups, and even blankets and bedding. It’s a huge blessing!

Be Patient with Biological Families  

Your relationship with the biological family can be tricky and even frustrating. You may need to prepare for the day they make remarks or accusations about your treatment of their children. Within the first week, I got a call during a family visit about concerning marks on our foster daughter’s neck. They were mosquito bites from playing outside. But even though the caseworker knew I would never hurt a child, I still had to go to a pediatrician or urgent care/ER to have it documented by a medical professional that she was not harmed and her “injuries” weren’t inflicted by a person. I was devastated, hurt, angry, embarrassed, and exhausted. Instead of a getting a thank you for making it through some of our hardest days of loving and caring for these children the best we could, I was going to a doctor to have my innocence proven.

Once the shock and emotion wore off, I realized this family was simply trying to protect their children. Wouldn’t I do the same thing in their position if my children were living with strangers? How could they trust me? The next week, when I took the kids for their visit, I sent a letter and picture of my family. That isn’t safe or appropriate in all situations, but for us, it changed everything in our relationship with the kids’ parents. They were able to see who their children were living with and hear directly from me, not through a caseworker, that we were on their team and ultimately wanted what’s best for their kids.

You will eventually develop empathy for the children and their parents. No one chooses to be in this situation, no matter what led them here. We don’t know what the parents’ childhoods were like and what they’ve had to overcome or fight. We don’t even know everything our foster children have experienced. They will act out, just like any other child. But unlike most other children, theirs comes from experiencing deep loss and trauma most of us, even as adults, can’t fully comprehend. We have to give parents and kids the benefit of the doubt because we’ll never know what it’s like in their shoes.

Expect Not Knowing

You can’t get too comfortable with the details of the case. Things change unexpectedly and fast. Every week we got a different version of what was going on or expected to happen. We thought this placement would be short term and are now going on 7 months with no definite end in sight. We believe they will, most likely, reunify with their parents, but we’ve learned to never expect a time frame or a specific outcome. It’s impossible to predict, even for caseworkers, when there are so many people and factors involved.

You won’t know everything about the children right away. The caseworkers only know what is documented and available to them at the time of placement. Our foster son ended up having some pretty severe health issues that hadn’t started presenting until he was in our home. He was born premature and has had many related appointments, tests, and hospital visits, none of which we knew about at the time of placement.

Understand It’s a Journey

Expect to give grace to yourself, your partner, any biological children, and the foster children. Everyone’s life changes the second a new child walks in the door. It takes time to build a relationship and get to know each other. Along with giving grace, expect you and your partner (and your children) may need a break or some space, especially in the first months of adjusting, and that’s okay. It’s so important that when things feel heavy and burdensome, you are giving yourselves care and attention as well. You don’t want to get too exhausted or overwhelmed and burn out quickly.

The journey we’re on as foster parents is not an easy one. To willingly step into the mess and brokenness of another family is a high calling. If it were easy or as simple as caring for children temporarily, everyone would do it. Foster care is exhausting in so many ways, but it is also the most selfless, worthy, and beautiful thing I have ever personally experienced in my life.

You Will Get Attached

You will and should get too attached. Any child in your home needs healthy attachment, and if you’re willing to open your heart, you certainly will get attached. These children need us to feel heart ache and loss when and if they leave our homes. They may or may not remember us specifically, but they will know they were loved and cared for well. If they don’t remember, their parents will. We provide a place they experience true joy while dealing with the deep loss of their family. Knowing that gives me peace. All the other details seem minor when we realize that our only job is to stand in the gap that exists between them and their family, giving them a safe, secure, and loving home while they are in need of it.

You’re about to do this! You will have a part in changing lives and stories! You’re not alone.

 

With All the Love,

Another Family Standing in the Gap

The Good, the Bad, and the Sticky: 4 Tips From a Single Foster Mom

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It’s a question she hears a lot. Why did you decide to become a foster parent? The seed was planted when she was just 15 years old. On a mission trip to Mexico, Lauren came face-to-face with orphaned and vulnerable children for the first time and was particularly heartbroken by one girl’s story. She knew she’d spend her life loving kids like these. “The Lord so clearly spoke to me that the hurt I was feeling for that girl was just a sliver of the hurt he feels for the 163 million orphaned and vulnerable children,” explains Lauren. Now a foster mom to two girls, ages 4 and 7, she is living the dream that was planted in her heart so many years ago. What she didn’t expect then was that she’d be living it as a single mom.

 

“I definitely hoped that I would be married before I started fostering,” she says. But after another trip reinforced her dream of fostering and a serious relationship ended in a break-up rather than a proposal, she realized “kids experiencing trauma don’t need you to be married, they need you to show up.” So, she showed up. In the year-and-a-half she has been licensed, she has loved and cared for five children in her home.

 

Here are a few of Lauren’s tips for others who want to step into single foster parenting:

 

  1. Start, even if it’s small.

Foster care is big and Lauren knows how intimidating it can feel at the beginning, especially if you’re single. “Wanting, wishing, and dreaming are fun, but it doesn’t do anything,” she explains. “So, go do something.” If you’re worried about how to start, start small. Take classes slowly. Get a background check so you can babysit for a foster family. They need it. Do respite care. And, if all of that feels overwhelming, simply show up for a foster family. Befriend them, deliver them a meal, or help them with dishes. Be involved and the next step will become clear.

 

  1. Rely on your community.

“Make sure you have a support system in place,” she shares. “Because you’re going to need them like you never thought possible. When you become a single foster mom, your world shifts literally overnight. You don’t have nine months to prepare. You get a phone call and everything changes. You aren’t just providing for you anymore. I constantly feel like I cannot do enough for my kids. The truth is, I can’t. I’m one person. We are more successful when others join us.”

 

Where do you find community? Reach out to your family, friends, within your place of worship, and to other foster parents you’ll meet as you go through the process. No matter how independent you are, understand that you need people and get comfortable asking for help. If they ask what you need, tell them. They can cook a meal, pick up a kid from an appointment or practice, drop off hand-me-downs, or just keep you company while helping fold laundry or put kids to bed. Most importantly, they can pray for and with you. “Also, coffee,” adds Lauren. “It’s what’s best for everyone really.”

 

  1. It’s ok to say no.

“I used to think that disruption was a dirty word—until I had to do it,” she explains. “It’s always better for the child if you know your limits before accepting a placement. But there are also times you just don’t and can’t know until you’re in it. First, call on your team for support. Make decisions carefully, but know that it is ok if you cannot take something on. You have to know your limits and you have to be healthy going into it.”

 

  1. Find beauty in the mundane.

“I cannot tell you how many times I have had to learn that every mundane thing is a miracle. We made it through dinner without a tantrum. We got through the grocery store. We made our appointments. We spent the whole day at home. We comforted the sadness of not having mommy. We grew our bond. There are some days we all forget that this is foster care. There are other days that we are fiercely aware.”

 

To thrive in foster parenting, embrace the hard along with the fun. That means understanding trauma and finding humor wherever you can. “Basically, someone will probably be sobbing and something will probably be sticky. This is your life now,” she laughs. “But it also includes dance parties and snuggles and the gift of growing together, so it’s super worth it.”

 

No matter the situation she’s facing, especially when things don’t go the way she thinks they should, Lauren remembers these four words: love is never wasted. Single or not, that’s what foster parenting is all about.