Dear Future Foster Family

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Dear Future Foster Family,

As you wait with anticipation for your first placement, your head is swimming. You’re a bundle of nerves, worries, and excitement, right? I can’t fully explain what joy, struggle, and life change is coming for you, but hope our experience will give you an inkling and let you know you’re not alone.

We have three biological children who were 5, 3, and 2 at the time of our first placement. When the call came, we accepted 3-year-old and 1-year-old siblings into our home.

Expect to Need Help

You WILL need help, regardless of the number of children/people living in your home. Go ahead and look for support in advance. Meal trains, friends to talk, and family to help are all essentials at the beginning. You are bringing a new life into your home and it’s all-hands-on-deck, especially as your new family is getting acquainted. Let your people and community know now to be prepared. I struggle with “needing” help and turned down offers of help in the beginning. I had to humbly go back and say, “Uh, on second thought maybe that would be nice, please and thank you.”

Expect you will need to ask your Focus on Youth social worker for help. They are amazing and are there to support the kids and YOU to the best of their ability. When things feel like too much and are too hard, reach out for support and the resources that are available!

Prepare for a Big To-Do List

It will be busy and demanding, especially in the first month of a new placement. You will have 1,000 things to figure out and they are almost all time sensitive. We had the initial and 30-day foster clinic check at Children’s Hospital, then set up home visits with our agency worker and the kids’ county case worker, scheduled their family visit and figured out transportation, scheduled dentist appointments and eye exams, and found a pediatrician. If the kids are school aged, you have to figure out what school they will attend and when, complete all the paperwork that’s required, and set up school transportation. If you work outside the home, finding childcare that fits your needs and budget will be a priority. And, there’s a never-ending stream of paperwork.

If you’re in the Cincinnati area, plan to schedule an appointment with Hope’s Closet as soon as possible after placement. They have many things you may realize you need in those first days, like clothing (you get a week’s worth per child), cups, bowls, utensils, books, toys for all ages, hygiene products, diapers/pull ups, and even blankets and bedding. It’s a huge blessing!

Be Patient with Biological Families  

Your relationship with the biological family can be tricky and even frustrating. You may need to prepare for the day they make remarks or accusations about your treatment of their children. Within the first week, I got a call during a family visit about concerning marks on our foster daughter’s neck. They were mosquito bites from playing outside. But even though the caseworker knew I would never hurt a child, I still had to go to a pediatrician or urgent care/ER to have it documented by a medical professional that she was not harmed and her “injuries” weren’t inflicted by a person. I was devastated, hurt, angry, embarrassed, and exhausted. Instead of a getting a thank you for making it through some of our hardest days of loving and caring for these children the best we could, I was going to a doctor to have my innocence proven.

Once the shock and emotion wore off, I realized this family was simply trying to protect their children. Wouldn’t I do the same thing in their position if my children were living with strangers? How could they trust me? The next week, when I took the kids for their visit, I sent a letter and picture of my family. That isn’t safe or appropriate in all situations, but for us, it changed everything in our relationship with the kids’ parents. They were able to see who their children were living with and hear directly from me, not through a caseworker, that we were on their team and ultimately wanted what’s best for their kids.

You will eventually develop empathy for the children and their parents. No one chooses to be in this situation, no matter what led them here. We don’t know what the parents’ childhoods were like and what they’ve had to overcome or fight. We don’t even know everything our foster children have experienced. They will act out, just like any other child. But unlike most other children, theirs comes from experiencing deep loss and trauma most of us, even as adults, can’t fully comprehend. We have to give parents and kids the benefit of the doubt because we’ll never know what it’s like in their shoes.

Expect Not Knowing

You can’t get too comfortable with the details of the case. Things change unexpectedly and fast. Every week we got a different version of what was going on or expected to happen. We thought this placement would be short term and are now going on 7 months with no definite end in sight. We believe they will, most likely, reunify with their parents, but we’ve learned to never expect a time frame or a specific outcome. It’s impossible to predict, even for caseworkers, when there are so many people and factors involved.

You won’t know everything about the children right away. The caseworkers only know what is documented and available to them at the time of placement. Our foster son ended up having some pretty severe health issues that hadn’t started presenting until he was in our home. He was born premature and has had many related appointments, tests, and hospital visits, none of which we knew about at the time of placement.

Understand It’s a Journey

Expect to give grace to yourself, your partner, any biological children, and the foster children. Everyone’s life changes the second a new child walks in the door. It takes time to build a relationship and get to know each other. Along with giving grace, expect you and your partner (and your children) may need a break or some space, especially in the first months of adjusting, and that’s okay. It’s so important that when things feel heavy and burdensome, you are giving yourselves care and attention as well. You don’t want to get too exhausted or overwhelmed and burn out quickly.

The journey we’re on as foster parents is not an easy one. To willingly step into the mess and brokenness of another family is a high calling. If it were easy or as simple as caring for children temporarily, everyone would do it. Foster care is exhausting in so many ways, but it is also the most selfless, worthy, and beautiful thing I have ever personally experienced in my life.

You Will Get Attached

You will and should get too attached. Any child in your home needs healthy attachment, and if you’re willing to open your heart, you certainly will get attached. These children need us to feel heart ache and loss when and if they leave our homes. They may or may not remember us specifically, but they will know they were loved and cared for well. If they don’t remember, their parents will. We provide a place they experience true joy while dealing with the deep loss of their family. Knowing that gives me peace. All the other details seem minor when we realize that our only job is to stand in the gap that exists between them and their family, giving them a safe, secure, and loving home while they are in need of it.

You’re about to do this! You will have a part in changing lives and stories! You’re not alone.

 

With All the Love,

Another Family Standing in the Gap

The Good, the Bad, and the Sticky: 4 Tips From a Single Foster Mom

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It’s a question she hears a lot. Why did you decide to become a foster parent? The seed was planted when she was just 15 years old. On a mission trip to Mexico, Lauren came face-to-face with orphaned and vulnerable children for the first time and was particularly heartbroken by one girl’s story. She knew she’d spend her life loving kids like these. “The Lord so clearly spoke to me that the hurt I was feeling for that girl was just a sliver of the hurt he feels for the 163 million orphaned and vulnerable children,” explains Lauren. Now a foster mom to two girls, ages 4 and 7, she is living the dream that was planted in her heart so many years ago. What she didn’t expect then was that she’d be living it as a single mom.

 

“I definitely hoped that I would be married before I started fostering,” she says. But after another trip reinforced her dream of fostering and a serious relationship ended in a break-up rather than a proposal, she realized “kids experiencing trauma don’t need you to be married, they need you to show up.” So, she showed up. In the year-and-a-half she has been licensed, she has loved and cared for five children in her home.

 

Here are a few of Lauren’s tips for others who want to step into single foster parenting:

 

  1. Start, even if it’s small.

Foster care is big and Lauren knows how intimidating it can feel at the beginning, especially if you’re single. “Wanting, wishing, and dreaming are fun, but it doesn’t do anything,” she explains. “So, go do something.” If you’re worried about how to start, start small. Take classes slowly. Get a background check so you can babysit for a foster family. They need it. Do respite care. And, if all of that feels overwhelming, simply show up for a foster family. Befriend them, deliver them a meal, or help them with dishes. Be involved and the next step will become clear.

 

  1. Rely on your community.

“Make sure you have a support system in place,” she shares. “Because you’re going to need them like you never thought possible. When you become a single foster mom, your world shifts literally overnight. You don’t have nine months to prepare. You get a phone call and everything changes. You aren’t just providing for you anymore. I constantly feel like I cannot do enough for my kids. The truth is, I can’t. I’m one person. We are more successful when others join us.”

 

Where do you find community? Reach out to your family, friends, within your place of worship, and to other foster parents you’ll meet as you go through the process. No matter how independent you are, understand that you need people and get comfortable asking for help. If they ask what you need, tell them. They can cook a meal, pick up a kid from an appointment or practice, drop off hand-me-downs, or just keep you company while helping fold laundry or put kids to bed. Most importantly, they can pray for and with you. “Also, coffee,” adds Lauren. “It’s what’s best for everyone really.”

 

  1. It’s ok to say no.

“I used to think that disruption was a dirty word—until I had to do it,” she explains. “It’s always better for the child if you know your limits before accepting a placement. But there are also times you just don’t and can’t know until you’re in it. First, call on your team for support. Make decisions carefully, but know that it is ok if you cannot take something on. You have to know your limits and you have to be healthy going into it.”

 

  1. Find beauty in the mundane.

“I cannot tell you how many times I have had to learn that every mundane thing is a miracle. We made it through dinner without a tantrum. We got through the grocery store. We made our appointments. We spent the whole day at home. We comforted the sadness of not having mommy. We grew our bond. There are some days we all forget that this is foster care. There are other days that we are fiercely aware.”

 

To thrive in foster parenting, embrace the hard along with the fun. That means understanding trauma and finding humor wherever you can. “Basically, someone will probably be sobbing and something will probably be sticky. This is your life now,” she laughs. “But it also includes dance parties and snuggles and the gift of growing together, so it’s super worth it.”

 

No matter the situation she’s facing, especially when things don’t go the way she thinks they should, Lauren remembers these four words: love is never wasted. Single or not, that’s what foster parenting is all about.

 

Defying the Predictions: Fostering Children with Medical Needs

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Before any paperwork was started or their training began, Kari and Paul  made a commitment. They promised to fight for and with the children who would come into their home. They weren’t sure what those battles might be, but knew these children needed parents who would go into the fray and do the hard stuff right beside them. As soon as they were licensed as foster parents, they got their chance and stepped into battle with a set of premature, 3-week-old twins.

In just one call they got the news of their approval to foster and found out about the twins. “A couple hours later and multiple phone calls, we were selected by the caseworker and on our way to the NICU,” explains Kari. There they met 4-1/2-pound Tyler  and 4-pound Lauren. They knew Lauren had a brain bleed and found out later she had suffered a stroke in utero. “The first 8 months we were told things like she’s blind, she’ll never sit up, walk, crawl, or feed herself, and they weren’t sure what her cognitive ability would be,” says Kari. This is where their battle began.

During those early months, they fought through some extreme health concerns with Lauren. She was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy along with over 50 other related conditions. They heard every worst-case scenario and a litany of things she’d probably never do. At the same time, their caseworkers were already talking to them about permanent custody through adoption. “Our caseworkers were stellar,” says Kari. “We could always tell that they were battling as hard as they could for the betterment of the children. But for us, medically, we battled. And walking through the process to permanent custody wasn’t easy. Our case had 11 continuances that spanned 2 ½ years.”

Though longer than they planned, the journey to adoption not only brought them a son and daughter, but also an extended family. The twins are the youngest of eight siblings. Their brothers and sisters went into the care of two different families five months before the twins were born. Eventually, their biological mother realized she could not parent eight children or manage Lauren’s medical care and released her parental rights. After 830 days, they adopted their babies! In fact, all eight siblings were adopted into their three families on the same day. Just as they have chosen to celebrate birthdays and holidays together, the families now have another day to celebrate. Despite being raised in different families, they have fought to keep the siblings together, and it has been a unique blessing. “We believe that, whenever possible, children should never have to hunt for their siblings,” explains Kari.

And what about Lauren? She has defied the predictions. The only thing you’d notice about her now is that she’s not walking on her own yet—but mastering her walker—and her vision is impaired. “She’s gaining by the day and she’s going to conquer the world!” Kari gushes. Tyler is completely healthy with a great track record at this point considering his low birth weight and early arrival. “It’s really our privilege to walk this journey with them,” she adds. “God has truly touched our baby girl.”

Kari and Paul battled challenging medical complications and court continuances. Yet, fighting for their children has given them the greatest of gifts—a healthy son, an inspirational daughter, and an extended family of siblings and other parents walking through it all with them. Kari says, “We are privileged to love on all eight children through three families and to fully walk with our twins as our own for life.”

What If?: Overcoming Challenges of Foster Care

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What if? Foster parents know this question well. What if it’s too hard? What if we can’t handle this? Dave and Katie have fostered four children and not long after the placement of their oldest son, found themselves facing a mountain of what ifs.

He had experienced a lot of trauma is his six years of life. And, while he was adorable and sometimes very sweet, he also threw raging tantrums, ran away, and acted out in all sorts of ways. The questions swirled. What if it doesn’t get better? What if it got worse? “There was a time that we actually said no, we can’t do this,” remembers Katie. “We put in our notice for disruption just a couple of months after his placement. It was HARD.”

Yet, something made them keep trying. “As much as we were anticipating some relief after he moved on, we simply were not at peace about letting him go,” Katie explains. “I couldn’t sleep thinking about where he may go next.” They dug in. They reached out to other foster parents who could identify with where they were. And, they did the hard work to help heal wounds they feared might never heal.

“We worked with the therapist, adjusted medication, got respite, and lessened consequences at times to show him the nurturing he needed. We missed out of social events that we knew he wouldn’t handle well. We hovered over him when we were with other families and small kids. We wrote long detailed emails to teachers detailing the techniques that work for us at home. We cried and prayed with our mentors…We used the word safe more than I ever thought I would need to. We said, ‘I will love you wherever you live’ when he said he didn’t want to live with us anymore.”

Somewhere in the blur the questions started to change. What if we had missed out on this? What if we had never become a family? “It has ALL been worth it. It has been hard. We have not been perfect. We have learned a lot. He has overcome so much. We cannot imagine our life without him.”

The secret, if there is one, is in seeking out a community that specifically understands the challenges of foster care. You need a handful of people who will pray for you, show up at your house when things are at their worst, and drop whatever they’re doing to walk alongside you in the toughest moments. “If you don’t have those kinds of people, whether they are friends or family, keep looking,” Katie insists. “Invite people to dinner, go to foster parent nights out, go to the foster parent meetings until you find people that can circle around you like you need. This has been vital to our family’s success.”

She knew things were drastically different when she looked forward to him being home from school this summer. He now gets complimented for his manners, is admired by his coaches, and is an amazing big brother. They finalized his adoption in October!

She now understands that in those rocky first few months of foster care, they tried doing too much of it on their own. They needed the therapist and the Focus on Youth support. But they also very much needed the close relationships of other families in the midst of the same journey.

What’s most rewarding for Katie? Seeing the growth in all of her kids and watching them form strong attachment bonds. Love and nurturing go a long way. Good community goes further.

After the Yes: Fostering and Adopting an Older Child

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They got the call in October. After giving respite care for a dozen kids over six months, Jim and Lisa were told one of those kids now needed a permanent home. First, they prayed. Then, they said yes, and 11-year-old Jonah became part of their family.

Fostering and adopting an older child is challenging, but it is also incredibly rewarding. “I think a lot of people are scared of the older kids,” explains Lisa, “as if they have nothing but challenges to offer. However, I have been blessed to get to know several older foster kids and I see their beautiful uniqueness as such an amazing gift to whatever family they are in.” That gift is exactly why Jim and Lisa knew very shortly after taking in their first few children that they wanted to only foster school-aged kids. They valued each child’s individual personality, relished every deep conversation, and enjoyed being able to mentor them about the real world. According to Lisa, “We don’t often think about how cool those opportunities to mentor can be.”

The reality is that any child in foster care can come with trauma, no matter the age, since symptoms can appear even at birth. Jonah was no exception. “My son came to us with years of memories and trauma and, most shockingly to me, his own opinions,” says Lisa. So, along with figuring out which food, music, and activities he likes, they are also working to understand the emotional scars and experiences that have left him significantly developmentally delayed. “It is tough to look at a kid who is physically almost as big as I am and know that he is processing life like a first grader,” explains Lisa.

He also tried everything he could, from destruction of property to physical and verbal abuse, to convince Jim and Lisa to give up on him when he first arrived. People giving up on him was all he knew and speeding up the process seemed a lot less painful. He didn’t know God had given him parents who knew how to endure thanks to stubborn personalities and military backgrounds. During this season, they shifted into survival mode, which Lisa describes as, “work through hard stuff, sleep, do it all over again.” It was hard and exhausting, but the bottom line for Lisa was that “God had not released me from my calling to be my son’s mother.”

The enduring is paying off! “Seven months into our journey, I see how much of my son’s story God is redeeming. I know we have made an indelible mark on him,” Lisa observes. “More importantly, he has changed me for the better.” Now, they’re settling in to their rhythm as a family, enjoying time together, going on adventures, and watching Jonah grow in every way. As they learn how to help him overcome his delays, they are seeing him thrive in new challenges. They love teaching him new things, from rock climbing to using chop sticks. And, through it all, the foster families walking beside them on the journey have given them a stronger sense of community than they have ever felt. “If you asked me today if I would deal with months of verbal abuse to be able to see my son tell me all about his day at summer camp splashing in the creek, I would tell you it was worth it.”