The Good, the Bad, and the Sticky: 4 Tips From a Single Foster Mom

/in

It’s a question she hears a lot. Why did you decide to become a foster parent? The seed was planted when she was just 15 years old. On a mission trip to Mexico, Lauren came face-to-face with orphaned and vulnerable children for the first time and was particularly heartbroken by one girl’s story. She knew she’d spend her life loving kids like these. “The Lord so clearly spoke to me that the hurt I was feeling for that girl was just a sliver of the hurt he feels for the 163 million orphaned and vulnerable children,” explains Lauren. Now a foster mom to two girls, ages 4 and 7, she is living the dream that was planted in her heart so many years ago. What she didn’t expect then was that she’d be living it as a single mom.

 

“I definitely hoped that I would be married before I started fostering,” she says. But after another trip reinforced her dream of fostering and a serious relationship ended in a break-up rather than a proposal, she realized “kids experiencing trauma don’t need you to be married, they need you to show up.” So, she showed up. In the year-and-a-half she has been licensed, she has loved and cared for five children in her home.

 

Here are a few of Lauren’s tips for others who want to step into single foster parenting:

 

  1. Start, even if it’s small.

Foster care is big and Lauren knows how intimidating it can feel at the beginning, especially if you’re single. “Wanting, wishing, and dreaming are fun, but it doesn’t do anything,” she explains. “So, go do something.” If you’re worried about how to start, start small. Take classes slowly. Get a background check so you can babysit for a foster family. They need it. Do respite care. And, if all of that feels overwhelming, simply show up for a foster family. Befriend them, deliver them a meal, or help them with dishes. Be involved and the next step will become clear.

 

  1. Rely on your community.

“Make sure you have a support system in place,” she shares. “Because you’re going to need them like you never thought possible. When you become a single foster mom, your world shifts literally overnight. You don’t have nine months to prepare. You get a phone call and everything changes. You aren’t just providing for you anymore. I constantly feel like I cannot do enough for my kids. The truth is, I can’t. I’m one person. We are more successful when others join us.”

 

Where do you find community? Reach out to your family, friends, within your place of worship, and to other foster parents you’ll meet as you go through the process. No matter how independent you are, understand that you need people and get comfortable asking for help. If they ask what you need, tell them. They can cook a meal, pick up a kid from an appointment or practice, drop off hand-me-downs, or just keep you company while helping fold laundry or put kids to bed. Most importantly, they can pray for and with you. “Also, coffee,” adds Lauren. “It’s what’s best for everyone really.”

 

  1. It’s ok to say no.

“I used to think that disruption was a dirty word—until I had to do it,” she explains. “It’s always better for the child if you know your limits before accepting a placement. But there are also times you just don’t and can’t know until you’re in it. First, call on your team for support. Make decisions carefully, but know that it is ok if you cannot take something on. You have to know your limits and you have to be healthy going into it.”

 

  1. Find beauty in the mundane.

“I cannot tell you how many times I have had to learn that every mundane thing is a miracle. We made it through dinner without a tantrum. We got through the grocery store. We made our appointments. We spent the whole day at home. We comforted the sadness of not having mommy. We grew our bond. There are some days we all forget that this is foster care. There are other days that we are fiercely aware.”

 

To thrive in foster parenting, embrace the hard along with the fun. That means understanding trauma and finding humor wherever you can. “Basically, someone will probably be sobbing and something will probably be sticky. This is your life now,” she laughs. “But it also includes dance parties and snuggles and the gift of growing together, so it’s super worth it.”

 

No matter the situation she’s facing, especially when things don’t go the way she thinks they should, Lauren remembers these four words: love is never wasted. Single or not, that’s what foster parenting is all about.

 

Defying the Predictions: Fostering Children with Medical Needs

/in

Before any paperwork was started or their training began, Kari and Paul  made a commitment. They promised to fight for and with the children who would come into their home. They weren’t sure what those battles might be, but knew these children needed parents who would go into the fray and do the hard stuff right beside them. As soon as they were licensed as foster parents, they got their chance and stepped into battle with a set of premature, 3-week-old twins.

In just one call they got the news of their approval to foster and found out about the twins. “A couple hours later and multiple phone calls, we were selected by the caseworker and on our way to the NICU,” explains Kari. There they met 4-1/2-pound Tyler  and 4-pound Lauren. They knew Lauren had a brain bleed and found out later she had suffered a stroke in utero. “The first 8 months we were told things like she’s blind, she’ll never sit up, walk, crawl, or feed herself, and they weren’t sure what her cognitive ability would be,” says Kari. This is where their battle began.

During those early months, they fought through some extreme health concerns with Lauren. She was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy along with over 50 other related conditions. They heard every worst-case scenario and a litany of things she’d probably never do. At the same time, their caseworkers were already talking to them about permanent custody through adoption. “Our caseworkers were stellar,” says Kari. “We could always tell that they were battling as hard as they could for the betterment of the children. But for us, medically, we battled. And walking through the process to permanent custody wasn’t easy. Our case had 11 continuances that spanned 2 ½ years.”

Though longer than they planned, the journey to adoption not only brought them a son and daughter, but also an extended family. The twins are the youngest of eight siblings. Their brothers and sisters went into the care of two different families five months before the twins were born. Eventually, their biological mother realized she could not parent eight children or manage Lauren’s medical care and released her parental rights. After 830 days, they adopted their babies! In fact, all eight siblings were adopted into their three families on the same day. Just as they have chosen to celebrate birthdays and holidays together, the families now have another day to celebrate. Despite being raised in different families, they have fought to keep the siblings together, and it has been a unique blessing. “We believe that, whenever possible, children should never have to hunt for their siblings,” explains Kari.

And what about Lauren? She has defied the predictions. The only thing you’d notice about her now is that she’s not walking on her own yet—but mastering her walker—and her vision is impaired. “She’s gaining by the day and she’s going to conquer the world!” Kari gushes. Tyler is completely healthy with a great track record at this point considering his low birth weight and early arrival. “It’s really our privilege to walk this journey with them,” she adds. “God has truly touched our baby girl.”

Kari and Paul battled challenging medical complications and court continuances. Yet, fighting for their children has given them the greatest of gifts—a healthy son, an inspirational daughter, and an extended family of siblings and other parents walking through it all with them. Kari says, “We are privileged to love on all eight children through three families and to fully walk with our twins as our own for life.”

What If?: Overcoming Challenges of Foster Care

/in

What if? Foster parents know this question well. What if it’s too hard? What if we can’t handle this? Dave and Katie have fostered four children and not long after the placement of their oldest son, found themselves facing a mountain of what ifs.

He had experienced a lot of trauma is his six years of life. And, while he was adorable and sometimes very sweet, he also threw raging tantrums, ran away, and acted out in all sorts of ways. The questions swirled. What if it doesn’t get better? What if it got worse? “There was a time that we actually said no, we can’t do this,” remembers Katie. “We put in our notice for disruption just a couple of months after his placement. It was HARD.”

Yet, something made them keep trying. “As much as we were anticipating some relief after he moved on, we simply were not at peace about letting him go,” Katie explains. “I couldn’t sleep thinking about where he may go next.” They dug in. They reached out to other foster parents who could identify with where they were. And, they did the hard work to help heal wounds they feared might never heal.

“We worked with the therapist, adjusted medication, got respite, and lessened consequences at times to show him the nurturing he needed. We missed out of social events that we knew he wouldn’t handle well. We hovered over him when we were with other families and small kids. We wrote long detailed emails to teachers detailing the techniques that work for us at home. We cried and prayed with our mentors…We used the word safe more than I ever thought I would need to. We said, ‘I will love you wherever you live’ when he said he didn’t want to live with us anymore.”

Somewhere in the blur the questions started to change. What if we had missed out on this? What if we had never become a family? “It has ALL been worth it. It has been hard. We have not been perfect. We have learned a lot. He has overcome so much. We cannot imagine our life without him.”

The secret, if there is one, is in seeking out a community that specifically understands the challenges of foster care. You need a handful of people who will pray for you, show up at your house when things are at their worst, and drop whatever they’re doing to walk alongside you in the toughest moments. “If you don’t have those kinds of people, whether they are friends or family, keep looking,” Katie insists. “Invite people to dinner, go to foster parent nights out, go to the foster parent meetings until you find people that can circle around you like you need. This has been vital to our family’s success.”

She knew things were drastically different when she looked forward to him being home from school this summer. He now gets complimented for his manners, is admired by his coaches, and is an amazing big brother. They finalized his adoption in October!

She now understands that in those rocky first few months of foster care, they tried doing too much of it on their own. They needed the therapist and the Focus on Youth support. But they also very much needed the close relationships of other families in the midst of the same journey.

What’s most rewarding for Katie? Seeing the growth in all of her kids and watching them form strong attachment bonds. Love and nurturing go a long way. Good community goes further.

After the Yes: Fostering and Adopting an Older Child

/in

They got the call in October. After giving respite care for a dozen kids over six months, Jim and Lisa were told one of those kids now needed a permanent home. First, they prayed. Then, they said yes, and 11-year-old Jonah became part of their family.

Fostering and adopting an older child is challenging, but it is also incredibly rewarding. “I think a lot of people are scared of the older kids,” explains Lisa, “as if they have nothing but challenges to offer. However, I have been blessed to get to know several older foster kids and I see their beautiful uniqueness as such an amazing gift to whatever family they are in.” That gift is exactly why Jim and Lisa knew very shortly after taking in their first few children that they wanted to only foster school-aged kids. They valued each child’s individual personality, relished every deep conversation, and enjoyed being able to mentor them about the real world. According to Lisa, “We don’t often think about how cool those opportunities to mentor can be.”

The reality is that any child in foster care can come with trauma, no matter the age, since symptoms can appear even at birth. Jonah was no exception. “My son came to us with years of memories and trauma and, most shockingly to me, his own opinions,” says Lisa. So, along with figuring out which food, music, and activities he likes, they are also working to understand the emotional scars and experiences that have left him significantly developmentally delayed. “It is tough to look at a kid who is physically almost as big as I am and know that he is processing life like a first grader,” explains Lisa.

He also tried everything he could, from destruction of property to physical and verbal abuse, to convince Jim and Lisa to give up on him when he first arrived. People giving up on him was all he knew and speeding up the process seemed a lot less painful. He didn’t know God had given him parents who knew how to endure thanks to stubborn personalities and military backgrounds. During this season, they shifted into survival mode, which Lisa describes as, “work through hard stuff, sleep, do it all over again.” It was hard and exhausting, but the bottom line for Lisa was that “God had not released me from my calling to be my son’s mother.”

The enduring is paying off! “Seven months into our journey, I see how much of my son’s story God is redeeming. I know we have made an indelible mark on him,” Lisa observes. “More importantly, he has changed me for the better.” Now, they’re settling in to their rhythm as a family, enjoying time together, going on adventures, and watching Jonah grow in every way. As they learn how to help him overcome his delays, they are seeing him thrive in new challenges. They love teaching him new things, from rock climbing to using chop sticks. And, through it all, the foster families walking beside them on the journey have given them a stronger sense of community than they have ever felt. “If you asked me today if I would deal with months of verbal abuse to be able to see my son tell me all about his day at summer camp splashing in the creek, I would tell you it was worth it.”