The Good, the Bad, and the Sticky: 4 Tips From a Single Foster Mom
It’s a question she hears a lot. Why did you decide to become a foster parent? The seed was planted when she was just 15 years old. On a mission trip to Mexico, Lauren came face-to-face with orphaned and vulnerable children for the first time and was particularly heartbroken by one girl’s story. She knew she’d spend her life loving kids like these. “The Lord so clearly spoke to me that the hurt I was feeling for that girl was just a sliver of the hurt he feels for the 163 million orphaned and vulnerable children,” explains Lauren. Now a foster mom to two girls, ages 4 and 7, she is living the dream that was planted in her heart so many years ago. What she didn’t expect then was that she’d be living it as a single mom.
“I definitely hoped that I would be married before I started fostering,” she says. But after another trip reinforced her dream of fostering and a serious relationship ended in a break-up rather than a proposal, she realized “kids experiencing trauma don’t need you to be married, they need you to show up.” So, she showed up. In the year-and-a-half she has been licensed, she has loved and cared for five children in her home.
Here are a few of Lauren’s tips for others who want to step into single foster parenting:
- Start, even if it’s small.
Foster care is big and Lauren knows how intimidating it can feel at the beginning, especially if you’re single. “Wanting, wishing, and dreaming are fun, but it doesn’t do anything,” she explains. “So, go do something.” If you’re worried about how to start, start small. Take classes slowly. Get a background check so you can babysit for a foster family. They need it. Do respite care. And, if all of that feels overwhelming, simply show up for a foster family. Befriend them, deliver them a meal, or help them with dishes. Be involved and the next step will become clear.
- Rely on your community.
“Make sure you have a support system in place,” she shares. “Because you’re going to need them like you never thought possible. When you become a single foster mom, your world shifts literally overnight. You don’t have nine months to prepare. You get a phone call and everything changes. You aren’t just providing for you anymore. I constantly feel like I cannot do enough for my kids. The truth is, I can’t. I’m one person. We are more successful when others join us.”
Where do you find community? Reach out to your family, friends, within your place of worship, and to other foster parents you’ll meet as you go through the process. No matter how independent you are, understand that you need people and get comfortable asking for help. If they ask what you need, tell them. They can cook a meal, pick up a kid from an appointment or practice, drop off hand-me-downs, or just keep you company while helping fold laundry or put kids to bed. Most importantly, they can pray for and with you. “Also, coffee,” adds Lauren. “It’s what’s best for everyone really.”
- It’s ok to say no.
“I used to think that disruption was a dirty word—until I had to do it,” she explains. “It’s always better for the child if you know your limits before accepting a placement. But there are also times you just don’t and can’t know until you’re in it. First, call on your team for support. Make decisions carefully, but know that it is ok if you cannot take something on. You have to know your limits and you have to be healthy going into it.”
- Find beauty in the mundane.
“I cannot tell you how many times I have had to learn that every mundane thing is a miracle. We made it through dinner without a tantrum. We got through the grocery store. We made our appointments. We spent the whole day at home. We comforted the sadness of not having mommy. We grew our bond. There are some days we all forget that this is foster care. There are other days that we are fiercely aware.”
To thrive in foster parenting, embrace the hard along with the fun. That means understanding trauma and finding humor wherever you can. “Basically, someone will probably be sobbing and something will probably be sticky. This is your life now,” she laughs. “But it also includes dance parties and snuggles and the gift of growing together, so it’s super worth it.”
No matter the situation she’s facing, especially when things don’t go the way she thinks they should, Lauren remembers these four words: love is never wasted. Single or not, that’s what foster parenting is all about.
